ok, so what’s been on my mind? ok guys…incoherant story time.  this is gonna be a long one. 

images in my head-home, wilmington….driving, the usual route to wrightsville….dow road….kneeling in the backseat as a kid watching the world unwind behind me on those country monroe roads….dude, if only i could see that facing forward…those vietnam pictures on jen’s site made me sad.  i remember driving down the road….that whole trip to vietnam…i didn’t really feel like i was anywhere different.  i guess i was too young to realize how big the world was.  i don’t remember feeling out of place or completely taken aback at the idea that i was in this new country…the whole reason of my existence.  i mean, i knew.  i remember thinking..wow, i’m going to meet my grandparents.  this is where my parents grew up.  my parents haven’t been here for seventeen years.  and i won’t be here for long so i should look around.  so i did.  i’ve always been the type of kid who stares out the window in cars…sometimes i just don’t like conversation..would rather watch the world sometimes than pretend i belong in it. nature intrigues me.  so looking out the window…i sat in my mommy’s arms and listened to her tell me stories about the island beyond the mountains that was taken over by monkeys. then someone said something about if there were waterfalls.  and i imagined the monkeys as kings and queens and ordinary people playing in the waterfalls.  i wanted to see a waterfall…but i never did…i resorted to staring at my brother’s keychain with “famous scenes from vietnam”…there was a waterfall there.  after awhile all i saw were trees and trees…and my dad would shout back from the front of the van for me to look at the jackfruit and mangoes and chum chum.  hah….little me said “where where”…and i tried so hard to see those exotic fruits..but i still only remember seeing clumps of trees with massive leaves in a shade of green that i wasn’t used to. 

and then after a while we stopped going up the mountain and the road became just a dirt path.  i remember staring at the path…a pale orange with a few scattered rocks.  there was a wreck on the side of the road…a van similar to ours and a truck….it looked as if the cars had been there for a li’l while.  there were a couple motor bikes…people walking…children squatting…all the younger kids ran around half naked…but mind you, half naked in vietnam meant just throw on a shirt….and ran around pantless.  hah, micallef told me in 10th grade that “foreigners” do things backward.  and its been mentioned as of late that things about me seem to be backward.  but anyway, i remember big dark eyes. a kid standing on the side of the road…about 4…striped shirt, lifting it slightly to scratch his tummy.  big round dark eyes.   i turned away and remember feeling…confused?  i don’t think my heart was big enough to feel sad yet.  i just didn’t know how to begin to understand.  i felt sticky and hot and the desire to get to our destination grew more intense with every scene i saw.  i wondered what my grandparents looked like.  my dad then told me my grandmother shaved her head.  it was hot in vietnam. 

i fell asleep and when i woke up there were miles and miles of fields. i assumed they were rice patties or something.  i saw the usual women dressed in thin black shirts and pants with those nice rice picker hats…squatting..hands between their legs…like i had seen my mom do many many times.  later in vietnam i noticed that all the women often sat like that while they worked.  from that point on, i dubbed that position some sort of vietnamese stance. 

ahh..i should stop.  this could go on forever.  i didn’t realize i remembered so much.  so yeah…jen’s pictures made me think of all this.  i’ve been kinda….off the wall lately with images in my head.  hmm…i don’t remember what my point was to updating this.  i think i just felt like i should cause its the end of the year and i felt somewhat obligated to.  and then i didn’t want to be cliche and say a bunch of generalizations of what i’ve learned this year.  i have a hard time finding words sometimes.  ok, a lot of times.  but i’m tellin ya, i’m not complicated. am i?  <sigh> hah..i have so much more growing up to do.  hmm..key points of the year that i’ve been workin on improving/achieving: to wait on people…for people.  to be curious.  to be open and honest.  to accept responsibility.  realizing that i have choices…prioritizing.  and to be more decisive.  diana commented on my being optimistic and keeping my cup “half full”….i decided its not about keeping that cup half full.  its about realizing that its not full…..that i’m thirsty…and reaching for more. 

so umm…yeah, if you wanna know how my year was….or what i’ve liked the most or hated the most or just how i felt in general….uhh…ask.  the more specific the better.  so umm…post a comment, IM me, call me.  whatever.  yeah.  tired of updating.  my mind feels like mush.