two more.

definitely becoming a fan of this double post thing.  do me a favor.  don’t read too much into it.  there is much left unsaid.

3.23.2006

whatever it is, own it.

how do you find the balance?….be enough…be…ok with who you are and where you are.  The future.  What happens when taking one step at a time isn’t good enough anymore.  Good enough for you.  Or maybe it’s a matter of you are what they’ve made you and you don’t have any sense or idea of who you are without them.  I.E. the concept/idea of not knowing who you are without a boyfriend.  Yeah, dumb.  No?  it’s the same as not knowing who you are growing up in a socially constructed sub-culture that exists only when there are others around…framing you.  If education is a source of manipulation, whose/what motive are we satisfying?

4.11.2006

I’m not sure how to explain myself and my decisions and actions or even why I feel like I need an explanation for everything that I do.  I think it might have something to do with the small Vietnamese child in me longing for approval without really understanding the concept of acceptance.  Its things like what I do/say or how I act/feel that I can never really explain but rather try to just…be.  Its those things that I can never express by any means that makes me so frustrated with who I am. part of me thinks I may be becoming too comfortable with who I’m letting myself become…..pushing it all back to that idea of balance and how you gotta take things for what they are…and somehow balance that with how they seem or can be seen.  Because balance….and perception….is what matters living in a relatively unrealistic idealized world where truth, more or less, is life explained…in only so many words.  And then there’s that American in me who won’t let myself be satisfied with what I have.  Who wants more.  who will ideally always search for something greater…..but then give up in frustration out of not having what’s best….or just…because I’m lazy.  Its weird…how I keep feeling like its necessary to split who I am.  the identities in me.  and how i can never be friends with the same group or how my friends aren’t usually friends with each other.  its some sort of self-segregation.  Its funny that this is how I define myself.  As being the one who can be, in a way, anyone one.  or at least try.  it’s because I can’t stand decisions….and even more so…I can never decide what my choices are.  Its never black and white.  I’ve always prided myself for living in the gray….but sometimes, maybe I think I’d rather just stray.  Hah.  I made a rhyme.

you wake up one morning and realize that your decisions will always be your own.  that those decisions you hate to make are the result of who you were.  who you’ve grown to be.  those decisions are taking over your life.  the choices.  but you shouldn’t let the choices run your life, eh?  the decisions are what matters.  or maybe its just the opportunity of choice.  i don’t wanna say i won’t change.  but i’m not saying i want to either. 

A year and a half.  What’s changed?