4.17.06
Identity, pressure, expectations…how I perceive myself and this country. I really don’t know where to begin.
Translating is really hard. Its disheartening how much I don’t know about this country and this language. Emily said its not like I can know these words…just because I’m Vietnamese. but for some reason that’s not very satisfying to hear. i should know it. I should be a part of all this. i really don’t know where my principles lie. From the beginning I’ve claimed both heritages….i’m either Vietnamese…or American, when convenient. I guess I’ve always lived my life on what’s convenient.
Is it hypocritical of me to want to pay the Vietnamese price for tickets….and at the same time want to be treated as an American when its beneficial?
i don’t know why this is such a big deal.
When it comes down to it, I want to be exactly who I am….a Vietnamese-American. Its just I haven’t figured out what that means.
Its some sort of passion/expectation of myself….that I have to be a certain way. I just get so frustrated when I want to be someone or something. It’s the idea of shoulds….except I’m on the other end. Humans shouldn’t act a certain way. People SHOULD do this. its not right. I’m not sure that I know how to document everything that’s going on here.
I’m so worried about what people think. What’s right and what’s wrong.
Recovered from Xanga 
it’s hard to fit in in the motherland. i think.. just take in what you can as an outsider, someone with a western view of most things, but there’s things to enjoy from the other side also.. i guess i haven’t thought about this much, but being there is like being in a strange land that somehow feels like home. and the other people don’t have that. finally, i think it’s always easier with family and childhood friends.. i’m sure you can find some answers before you come back
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it’s weird how we are all unique but yet we share such similar universal experiences. this entry reminds me of when i went to vietnam. I felt confused as well, I wasn’t too sure where I where I fit into it all, cause it was foreign to me, yet i felt as though i belonged there?But above the boundaries or restrictions of nationality or ethnicity you are sandy pham and i think thats more important than anything else. don’t try too hard to find answers or discover anything, they’ll all come to you in time.dont row, just flow..yo.
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yeah 🙂
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