they watched as the steady rhythm faded away.  slower and slower until its shadow disappeared.  and then the butterfly rested, perched on its deep blue iris.  1…2…4 seconds passed between each movement. 

“daddy, what’s it doing?”

“it’s dying, baby. it’s dying…”

 

“…daddy?  is dying contagious?”

i realize that i’m…scared.  of the constant.  not that i create drama when things are calm…but more in the sense that i start to feel like i’m bored…and that whatever it is that i’ve gotten used to..is not for me.  i try to move on to something else.  or…i feel like i want to.  and so i’m left…standing at that road diverged in that wood….only…i’m staring back at my own worn path.  maybe its because of all the changes i had growing up.  moving so much and what not.  and then when i did decide to trust and let myself get all warm and snuggly in others….i get attacked by the abominable snowman.  and just like that, i’m left motionless.  but stuff like that happens.  and i know that.  i even think i understand that.  it’d make sense, then, wouldn’t it?  to just keep going?  to try? 

….i often say that i run a lot.  but does it count as running when i always find myself back where i started?

finally got around to playing some music downtown thursday night…it was SO much fun.  so pretty. 

this couple….hung around for like, an hour and a half…..laughed a li’l, danced a li’l.  it was cute.  they gave us ten dollars!  then they asked when we were coming back!    too bad sandy only goes out once in a blue moon. 

The moon
from my window

 ok..so i cheated.  the blue moon is tonight…so i was a few days off.  still pretty.  (ok, so it prolly woulda looked better without the reflection off my window…but i don’t know how to fix that.) so anyways…that was fun.  then friday, after another failed attempt to go running with natalia….we decided to go buy 88 cent kites at wal-mart and fly them at fort fisher. 

Like my kite?

justice league!  heck yeah!…talia….had an interesting approach towards flying her kite.

Ruff, Ruff

and here…the justice league and ninja turtles fly together?!

 friends are fun.  and to close….one more cheesy pic.  i should make postcards.

i like where i am.  i think.

so saturday, i helped tatum unload some stuff into her new house and silently laughed while she and her mom freaked out cause the pool was looking all muggy…and well, just not clean.  tatum freaked in a funny/good way.  her mom was just stressed about it.  just made me laugh…and kinda….smile inwardly because i remember when tatum used to be just like her mom…and freak out…. stress out…that kinda thing…..which ultimately resulted in her following me around after spanish class hitting me on the head with her rolled up homework.  boy am i glad that phase is over.  but really, i guess it made me smile cause i realized that i’ve had this awesome opportunity to see people grow so much.  i mean…she’s still the same old tatum who freaks out and stresses about stuff…cause i mean, that’s just her…but now, she can laugh about it.  and when tatum laughs, sorry to be trite, but its contagious.  i love tatum.

well, later that day, after accompanying her on whiny trip to find a bookcase for her room, i ventured on home to sit and be my lazy bum self until my parents got home.  well, knowing me, and my bum self, i get online and erika then tells me she understands her parents came to see my parents.  my response: “what?  i know none of this.  how come no one ever tells me anything?”  a couple hours later, i receive a phone call from my dad saying, “clean up.  i think erika’s parents are coming.”  and about 5 minutes later, the doorbell rings.  thanks for the warning, dad.  so erika is my childhood friend…..that i still keep in touch with occasionally.  strange thing is….ya see, i’ve known her since i was 5…but then i moved away when i was 8.  and i guess…now after all these years…i mean, we’re not BEST friends…but there is something special about the relationship. i mean, 14 years….wow.  so i guess this brings me back to that whole watching someone grow thing.  now erika, she’s a fun one.  a complicated one.  in reality, i have little room to say i know her well, since we only spent a few precious childhood years together, but hey…those years are supposed to mold you, right?  in that respect, i like to think i know how her heart works…cause i mean, who can understand/know true intentions and character better than an innocent child?  but in the midst of teenage angst and many many troubles, my only connection with her is that i’ve been through it too….and of course…those few long distance phone calls that just about got us grounded from talking to each other.  somewhere throughout all these years, its like i surpassed the level of “friend” and became some sort of mentor type person for her.  scary thing is, i’m only a year older than her.  i dunno…i guess when it comes down to it, i know she has a good heart.  and for that reason, i respect her.  as friends should.  but yeah…so i guess with erika, i turn the knob and get weather updates ocassionally.  she’s a work in progress.  erika’s a cool kid.  she’s good with relationships….when she wants to be.

but yeah, i guess this is when i talk about myself now…because that’s the point of xanga, right?  to write/post for yourself first…and then some sort of added bonus is having people respond to you.  but anyways, so over the course of the weekend….after seeing tatum and how she interacts with her mom…and talking with erika’s parents while knowing erika’s stand on their relationship….i got to thinking of my own relationship with my parents.  for as long as i can remember, i’ve always wanted to be close with them, but never really had much of a chance, for some reason or another.  i even have proof…i recently found a piece of writing that i did in 2nd grade that said something along the lines of, “my favorite day is saturday because saturday is when i get to see my mommy and we get to go shopping.”…etc blah blah etc.  see, mom worked the day shift while i was at school and dad worked the night shift..meaning he spent the day sleeping.  and then when my parents got the nail salon….well, their only day off is sunday.  so basically, for the past 9 or 10 years…our relationship is kinda like a cell phone plan.  the best time to talk to them are nights and weekends.  except its a bad plan…because i only get half the weekend.    so yeah…then i thought about how rude i am to my parents a lot…and how i have that temper and how if i want some understanding, i should try doing some of my own.  i mean, sure…culture is a part of it…but the bigger part, is that i should remember that they’re human too.  i mean…sure my mother is an alien…but it’s not like she’s illegal…  so yeah….going back to that growing theme i’ve tried, yet horrible failed (or maybe overdid), to bring out in this rant…..i think i’m ok with where i am.  i like these little epiphanies…come slow as they may.  and….although its been on my mind a lot lately…i like where i am in my relationships with my friends.  they teach me so much.  and for that, i am grateful.  so yeah.  that was my rant.  the end.

::edit::

umm..so yeah…if anyone wants to get me one of those big cheese wedge hats…that ppl wear to baseball games….i’d be glad to wear it. 

i smiled at him when he stuck his arm up backwards to wave goodbye to me as he bent over to get his bag.  he smiled at me when he realized i was still waiting around, walking as far as i could, until i couldn’t see him anymore.  i don’t know why, but it was harder to say goodbye this time.  i miss my big brother. 

“Together, me and my sweater. That leaves… you and your sleeves. me and you, ragged and tattered. We’re a little worn, but we’re holding up…”

 …sorry to bother you, but we thought these might be yours.

so about a week and a half ago, natalia and i were gonna get up early and go running…but silly girl wasn’t quite fully awake, so by the time she got up, we decided we’d much rather go downtown than run in the now 90 degree weather.  so we went into an art gallery (felt kinda bad cause a local artist was speaking and we kinda just bombarded in..oops), had lunch at roly poly…and wanted to go down to city market and chandler’s wharf.  so we were walking…bright sun shiny day…and then it started to rain.  it wasn’t bad…just a few drizzly rain bits.  so we’re walking….and then we see these keys…just lying on the ground.  apartment keys and a honda car key.  so talia and i stop, look at each other, pick the keys up, look at each other again…and decide that right about then…our li’l excursion downtown coulda been made into a silent short film.  (cue the music)  so then, we decided to take it to the nearby art gallery (man…there seems to be a lot of those down there)…and we talked to the owner and asked if he knew anyone who was looking for keys or if he knew anyone who drove a honda.  he said no…and suggested us to try across the street.  so upon exiting the man’s oil paint gallery, we see a nice man walking an elderly man to a van.  after the elderly man gets into the car…we pipe out an “excuse me” and proceed to ask about the keys again.  and then the nice man says …the woman upstairs drives a honda.  we learned that she had taken her huge dog out for a walk, and it was quite possible she could have dropped the keys in this process.  so not knowing what else to do, it seemed logical to maybe try her apartment.  talia and i shuffled up the stairs, yes, still in the drizzlin rain, and knocked on her door.  dum de dum de dum…no answer.  so we ran back down…and the nice man who had guided us toward the apartment asked us if we wanted to leave a note.  so we walked up to Dr. Le….something spelled kinda funky i don’t remember’s apartment and he proceeded to get a piece of paper and an envelope for us.  talia wrote a nice li’l note while i noticed the developmental psychology books on his bookshelf.  “so you’re a psychologist?” i asked.  i told him about how i did work study with the children’s memory study.  he told me about how he worked with autistic children in his work study a long time ago (maybe it was a sign!).  talia finished the letter, we thanked the nice man, and ran upstairs, now the rain was coming down slightly harder….we hung the keys on her door handle…and shoved the envelope in the crack of the door.  so that was it…our mini adventure.  cue music, scene: natalia and sandy walking back to catch the parking meter…fuzzy circle around us….fade out.  The end.  

we drove by the apartment on our way back home, but the envelope was still in the crack, the keys on the door.  oh well.  we tried.

one day, i’m going to live downtown on the waterfront.  imma sit on the li’l balcony and watch silly kids wandering in the rain. 

so that’s my cheese for the day. 

Mom told me to go through stuff from waaaaaaaaay back when. Taken from a sophomore year project. If you can name the book its from, i might bake you cookies.

God in Cut and Paste

Where is God?                                                61
Where is He?                                                  61

Bless the Eternal…                                          63
Endlessly                                                        16

I was to come face to face
With the Angel of Death                                 31

God answers                                                   2
Warning! Danger of Death!                             37

Where is God now?
He is hanging here on the gallows                   62

Free at last!                                                  106

 

:::edit:::

the numbers on the sides are page numbers from the book.  hence the “cut and paste poetry thing”…

Bear V. Shark: The Classic Game of Strategy and Entertainment

(by C.H. Bachelder)

For 280 million or more players
Ages 0 to adult

Equipment: Major media, Internet, domed stadium, corporate sponsorship, First Amendment, patriotism, military bases, unemployment, sweatshops, complacent and politically impotent populace, homicide, crack cocaine, fashion, standardized tests
Setup: Give each player a Television a second mortgage, a mind-numbing job, a staggering Visa debt, and a set of fast food action figures
Gameplay: Each player watches Television
Object: To perform meaningful work and forge rewarding connections with other human beings
Winning: Ha!

blah.  summer school is gettin tedious.  thought maybe i’d be able to focus more….but no, i think i’m doomed to be apathetic forever.  ok, so its not like i don’t care…i just get bored.  sad thing is, there’s absolutely no reason why i should be bored.  in theory, i enjoy learning.  i tend to retain information pretty well, long term, at least, and i also tend to relate whatever it is i’m learning to “life” in some form or another.  so what’s the problem with grades and school?  i have no idea.  its just BLAH.  its strange, i actually kinda like studying.  maybe i’m just lazy and hate doing assignments.  i don’t think i’ve ever really been one for structure.  

funny thing is, i’m taking a creative writing class that isn’t structured at all, really.  sure we have exercises to do that focus on certain areas like dialogue or descriptions and what not, but the idea is that everyone can pretty much interpret the assignment the way they want.  the only catch is, the professor seems to have a specific idea of what he wants before we turn the assignment in.  So ultimately, while his criticism is constructive, it feels biased and i feel like i have to write towards a grade and please him rather than myself.  but i dunno…there’s always a way around it…i just lack the motivation to figure it out.  hah.  i’m a wonderful student. 

umm..yeah…so ppl tell me my entries are too long.  so i’m stopping now.  can’t wait till the weekend.  home/beach. 

  i’m getting really mad at myself for being so immature…but i don’t know how to get myself out of it.  heh, when i was 9 i taught myself how to swim…but now..its like i jumped into a cold cold pool and forgot how to tread.  somewhere along the way, i got lost.

so tonight i had the inevitable “what’re you majoring in” “what’re you gonna do with your life” talk with my parents again….one of the reasons why i don’t like coming home.  i try to tell them as much as i know…or as much as i know to say….too bad a lot of times i just DON’T KNOW.  and i feel like that’s not good enough for them.  heh…i don’t really know why i get so frustrated with it.  prolly because inside me, i’m still trying to forgive myself for being so indecisive.  i’m fighting a battle within myself outloud with them and it just makes me feel like crap…ok, i bet nothing makes sense.  hmm…so recap.  my mom mentioned that i like kids, so i should be a pediatrician.  and then immediately afterwards (or before..i don’t remember exactly)…she said just don’t be a teacher.  it’s…u^on?g (yeah ok, so its hard to type in vietnamese)…uhh..translation…it’d be a waste.  then she put in the example of her friend’s son who became a teacher for a year and then hated it and went back to school.  so afterwards, she concluded (knowing that i like kids) that i should be a pediatrician) all this, the sequence of events, made me think that she wanted to steer me away from education and towards med school (not that i’m seriously considering either..) so…i reminded her that her friend’s son’s reasons for being a teacher was because he wanted 3 months off in the summer….and not that he really liked teaching or wanted to work with children.  i tried to tell her that i wanted to do something that i would enjoy.  then mom asked about pharm school and what their salary was.  meanwhile,  i was getting frustrated and angry because in my little immature head, i was assuming that she was implying all these things for me and i just didn’t want to deal with it.  i know she just wanted to make conversation…but i dunno…i guess i didn’t want to talk about it.  so then, i made the mistake of raising my voice…cause well, i tend to get emotional with my parents…and i said some things about how i really don’t know what i want to do and i still have some time to decide and i’m taking classes to figure it out.  i also told them that IF i went pre-med i’d already be too far behind and have to take more summer school or not graduate on time or something.  my dad then mentioned something about how i’ve gone to school for a year now and it hasn’t amounted to anything.  so…i tried to tell them that i don’t like when they imply stuff..but take it out how i don’t know how to say “imply” in vietnamese..i couldn’t figure out how express that to them…and i also told my dad that it makes me feel bad when he tells me stuff like i haven’t amounted to anything.  so he got angry, told me i didn’t have the right to talk to my parents like that (which i don’t, i was not being very eloquent or containing my emotions very well at all…)…and so then the tears came…and then dad hates that…so he got up and left the dinner table.  this is a common occurance at my house.  and all because part of me is still very immature and i can’t handle confrontation AT ALL…and yeah.  i dunno, i guess i just get emotional about these matters with them because i don’t know how to express everything that i want to say…and i’m still learning how to talk to them.  and…i still kick myself for not having picked a major yet….for not having any idea…and yeah.    i know, i know, i’ve still got time..but really, time flies and i tend to be one of those well-rounded kids who likes a lot of things…gives things second chances…and college flies by waaaay too fast for me…and i really do feel like i’m rushed and won’t pick what’s right for me.  or for them.. 

i’m tired of being a kid who can’t find the words to talk to her parents.  i’m tired of not understanding them and assuming the wrong things.  i’m tired of messing up all the time and letting my emotions rule my life.  i’m tired of not being able to focus on the “right” things…i’m tired of not knowing what those right things are. 

so the conversation ended up another lecture about how i can’t talk to my parents like that…and their only intent was to find out what is going on in their daughter’s life and i should be so harsh with them.  which is all true.  i need to stop with my pre-conceptions of their motives.  <sigh> so yeah….that went on for a long long time and for some reason in the middle of it i kept trying to defend my views on education…and values….  somewhere in there i told them that i don’t think i value the dollar like they do.  i told them i saw how arguments tend to center around money and it seemed like the more money, the more issues…and i didn’t want that.  i don’t really know why i slipped that in there.  i don’t think that was right of me to say either.  i guess i was trying to explain that money really doesn’t matter to me…i mean, i understand that i can’t NOT think about where the money is gonna come from….because eventually, yes, i will have a family to raise, and in which case, i will need money.  but i dunno…i don’t care if i go out of college and make $100,000 a year.  eh…i thought writing all this out would make my head more clear.  but its not. 

i guess when it comes down to it…i have a heck of a whole lotta growing up to do.  but again, i’m swimming in a cold cold pool and i can’t remember how to tread.  and it frustrates me, because i feel like my mind used to be so clear….but…now bugs keep flying in and people add too much chlorine and maybe some kids come in and pee in the pool sometimes.  so resort to emotions…but my heart can only do so much..ya know?  “i wish i could see past the window facing forward looking back…..under water breathing hurts your lungs and breaks your back” 

so yeah, this is me at the end of my freshman year….excited for opportunity, confused about life, frustrated with myself, trying to cram as much culture/life/experience as i can into my world….and…yeah.  i dunno.  this is long.  i’m tired of whining. i will stop now.