ok, so what’s been on my mind? ok guys…incoherant story time.  this is gonna be a long one. 

images in my head-home, wilmington….driving, the usual route to wrightsville….dow road….kneeling in the backseat as a kid watching the world unwind behind me on those country monroe roads….dude, if only i could see that facing forward…those vietnam pictures on jen’s site made me sad.  i remember driving down the road….that whole trip to vietnam…i didn’t really feel like i was anywhere different.  i guess i was too young to realize how big the world was.  i don’t remember feeling out of place or completely taken aback at the idea that i was in this new country…the whole reason of my existence.  i mean, i knew.  i remember thinking..wow, i’m going to meet my grandparents.  this is where my parents grew up.  my parents haven’t been here for seventeen years.  and i won’t be here for long so i should look around.  so i did.  i’ve always been the type of kid who stares out the window in cars…sometimes i just don’t like conversation..would rather watch the world sometimes than pretend i belong in it. nature intrigues me.  so looking out the window…i sat in my mommy’s arms and listened to her tell me stories about the island beyond the mountains that was taken over by monkeys. then someone said something about if there were waterfalls.  and i imagined the monkeys as kings and queens and ordinary people playing in the waterfalls.  i wanted to see a waterfall…but i never did…i resorted to staring at my brother’s keychain with “famous scenes from vietnam”…there was a waterfall there.  after awhile all i saw were trees and trees…and my dad would shout back from the front of the van for me to look at the jackfruit and mangoes and chum chum.  hah….little me said “where where”…and i tried so hard to see those exotic fruits..but i still only remember seeing clumps of trees with massive leaves in a shade of green that i wasn’t used to. 

and then after a while we stopped going up the mountain and the road became just a dirt path.  i remember staring at the path…a pale orange with a few scattered rocks.  there was a wreck on the side of the road…a van similar to ours and a truck….it looked as if the cars had been there for a li’l while.  there were a couple motor bikes…people walking…children squatting…all the younger kids ran around half naked…but mind you, half naked in vietnam meant just throw on a shirt….and ran around pantless.  hah, micallef told me in 10th grade that “foreigners” do things backward.  and its been mentioned as of late that things about me seem to be backward.  but anyway, i remember big dark eyes. a kid standing on the side of the road…about 4…striped shirt, lifting it slightly to scratch his tummy.  big round dark eyes.   i turned away and remember feeling…confused?  i don’t think my heart was big enough to feel sad yet.  i just didn’t know how to begin to understand.  i felt sticky and hot and the desire to get to our destination grew more intense with every scene i saw.  i wondered what my grandparents looked like.  my dad then told me my grandmother shaved her head.  it was hot in vietnam. 

i fell asleep and when i woke up there were miles and miles of fields. i assumed they were rice patties or something.  i saw the usual women dressed in thin black shirts and pants with those nice rice picker hats…squatting..hands between their legs…like i had seen my mom do many many times.  later in vietnam i noticed that all the women often sat like that while they worked.  from that point on, i dubbed that position some sort of vietnamese stance. 

ahh..i should stop.  this could go on forever.  i didn’t realize i remembered so much.  so yeah…jen’s pictures made me think of all this.  i’ve been kinda….off the wall lately with images in my head.  hmm…i don’t remember what my point was to updating this.  i think i just felt like i should cause its the end of the year and i felt somewhat obligated to.  and then i didn’t want to be cliche and say a bunch of generalizations of what i’ve learned this year.  i have a hard time finding words sometimes.  ok, a lot of times.  but i’m tellin ya, i’m not complicated. am i?  <sigh> hah..i have so much more growing up to do.  hmm..key points of the year that i’ve been workin on improving/achieving: to wait on people…for people.  to be curious.  to be open and honest.  to accept responsibility.  realizing that i have choices…prioritizing.  and to be more decisive.  diana commented on my being optimistic and keeping my cup “half full”….i decided its not about keeping that cup half full.  its about realizing that its not full…..that i’m thirsty…and reaching for more. 

so umm…yeah, if you wanna know how my year was….or what i’ve liked the most or hated the most or just how i felt in general….uhh…ask.  the more specific the better.  so umm…post a comment, IM me, call me.  whatever.  yeah.  tired of updating.  my mind feels like mush. 

just if anyone was wondering, my post about the rain and glue and teddy bears wasn’t a dream.  perhaps t’was the result of overcooking my scrambled brains.   those all nighters can do that to ya.  but anywho, i thought i’d post a real dream….

so i get invited to some old couple’s house.  they’re between 60-70.  its a skinny man…white hair…with a few brown strands still trying to make themselves known.  he was wearing a blue checkered shirt.  the wife….didn’t really get much of a glimpse of her…i’m thinking maybe it was a down to earth mrs. claus type….cept she had more grayish/brownish hair.  i dunno..she was in the kitchen.  so anyway, i walk into the house…someone is with me.  i think its jennifer, but i’m not really sure.  but anyway, so we enter into the house i suddenly see myself walking in…and i’m smiling and looking around and trying to be polite.  but i, the self looking in on myself, notice the things behind me…the self walking in.  there’s a desk.  dark brown…with a mirror on top.  the walls were almost a sea green…and there was an open door to the right.  i peered down and i noticed a spiral type staircase….the steps were grayish blue.  kinda like the color of those ao shirts.  but anyway, i’m finally back into my own eyes…(there’s only one of me now)…and i ask the old happy guy if i could tour the house.  a small blonde child comes running in.  i think she’s the grandchild.  and then an older man, perhaps a big brother…or uncle.  he didn’t quite seem like a father….well, he walked in and stood staring and smiling at the young girl.  she barely noticed me.  so i stood watching her for a bit, being happy…and then decided to check out that blue/gray staircase.  but the man…the brother/uncle/ok, maybe he’s a father….was standing in my way.  and he obviously wasn’t going to move…so i just kinda stopped.  he then asked if i wanted to check out the attic.  i shrugged, someone scared…and looked at jennifer…if it was jennifer who was with me.  so he goes and pulls something out of the ceiling…and some steps come down.  they’re pentagonal dark blue carpeted steps.  small ones.  so jennifer…i’m pretty sure this part was her….nonchalantly climbed up the steps…and i slowly proceeded.  i hesistated…and somehow the little girl got ahead of me.  she too, stopped…and said she was scared.  so the younger man helped her down…and i stood with my head peering into this attic.  its pretty bright in there.  after deciding the steps were two small and unstable to stand on for too long, i climbed into the room.  there was a whole lotta junk in there.  it was kinda like my room upstairs at home.  stuff everywhere.  so jennifer is over there looking through stuff….and so i decide, hey, i will too.  now why we’re looking through stuff that belonged to these random old people…who knows.  but anywho, i find a black and red bag…its like…a pouch with a draw string.  inside, i find a small journal.  but strangely, there was no writing in it.  just a few clippings from a long time ago.  but the pictures…they seemed to have just been taken.  with the gloss and what not…but it couldn’t be.  it couldn’t have been.  so then i put everything back in and walk over to jennifer.  she too had found a bag.  hers was gray…and there was jewelry….nothing too extravagant.  some rings.  a necklace…sterling silver type….there were light blueish greenish grayish crystals on the necklace in the shape of a cross.  so then the old guy walks up and tells us dinner’s almost ready.  i look at the clock.  its 7:21.  i got confused.  it was 7:21 the last time i looked at the clock.  when i first walked into the attic.  when i first walked into the house, come to think of it.  so then the phone rings…and the man walks over to go pick it up.  man, he was a REAL happy old guy.  but then…i realized that in reality, my dorm phone was ringing.  i looked at the clock…and it was 7:21.  and jennifer called.  strange, eh?  seems kinda scary…but i wasn’t.  i wasn’t scared.  i don’t think.  just felt a bit…misplaced.

i still never figured out where that staircase went. 

i remember when i was little….i used to think that my mind…inside my mind…was kinda like the twilight zone or something (maybe its trite…oh well)…but yeah…so there’s just this big hallway with all these doors. its not very pretty. its just big white hallways. brown closed doors. and the doors…some are open. and some are locked.  some have cobwebs on them. i used to be so scared of those doors. but recently, i’ve been trying to find the key.  and then i start thinking about the secret garden… and how the girl found that wall….and found a key hole and searched so hard for the key. its like everyday i go searching for keys…. keys to unlock whatever it is inside my mind…that will help me understand who i am. and this hallway….i’m not sure if it ends. because i don’t know what’s behind the doors.  and i think that’s a major key (no pun intended)….of what keeps me going.

so what happens when i open all those doors…or just a lot of them….well, i don’t want to close them.  i don’t like to live behind closed doors, or at least so i tell myself.  and yet i always find myself peering through the peephole.  i hate it.  i want to open doors.  its just…i’m afraid that when all those doors are open…..it will all be too much.  maybe i’ll open my door more often.  i’m workin on it.  hah…it just…i feel like i have to clean up a li’l first.  (oh the ambiguity!) 

<sigh> off to my lab. 

a drop of rain just turned into a bucket of glue.  and i’m standing there… completely drenched.  and i’m running…through a playground…being chased by 20 kindergardners throwing evil teddy bears at me.

don’t get me wrong, i like rain.  i like walking outside knowing that the weather isn’t completely perfect….even when it was REALLY nice just minutes before.  its good to have things alter your lifestyle a li’l.  give it a kick…BAM!….spice it up.  builds character….or something.  and yeah…of course sometimes it’ll storm.  sometimes it’ll storm REAL hard….so hard that the umbrella not only breaks but you find yourself being thrown about and pelted at with water bullets coming from every which direction.  but hey, that’s ok too cause i mean, i guess you could consider it a real life aqua massage machine.  those things are silly.  but i dunno…sometimes…i swear the rain, it gets so hard, it never seems to want to go away.  and it gets so thick….so deep.  and it gets even worse when it begins to stick.  like glue.  sometimes, i feel like it will never go away.

so it hit me today that of most the things i’ve been faced with…they weren’t my responsibility.  i just took them to be….maybe because i felt like i should have…or maybe because i wanted to.  and now, here i stand…..clueless….like i’ve been offered a really well-paying babysitting job….except the kid is horrid…..the kid, is me.  i don’t even know where to start.  i don’t even know if i want to accept the job.  too bad i know i have to.  i need the money.  i need the character. 

so my first impulse has always been to run.  whether physically or mentally or emotionally or even spiritually, i’ve always made a mad dash for the nearest exit.  discreetly, of course.  because that’s how i am…some still call me a “sneaky asian.”  hah.  anywho, so here i am…running…running….as fast as i can when i look down and realize that there’s a flock of people chasing after me…getting closer and closer with every step.  (and then, i finally look down and realize that i’m running the wrong way on one of those flat escalator thingies…anyone ever seen one of those?  i saw one in the airport in korea.  just a strip of moving ground…..no biggie…)  so anyways, there’s this flock of people coming straight at me…yelling horrible truths about me….when i turn around and realize that they’re all children.  i don’t know what’s scarier…the fact that children don’t lie….or the fact that they were throwing ugly teddybears at me. it had red eyes…and my brother swore it was breathing.  (the bear, not the kid.)  so let’s step back and take a look….i’m wet….i’m running…..my hair, clothes, everything is pasted to me…i’m on this horizontal escalator thingie…(which by the way is going just the right speed so that i can’t get anywhere)….and there’s a flock of 5 year old gaining on me.  and then BAM…i get spacked with a scary teddybear.  and then…i finally realized that it was my imagination. 

so i guess, in the end….i’ll get up and realize it’s up to me to change things.  it’s always been up to me….to get out of those sticky situations.  i shoved that bear in the darkest corner of my closet when i was 7.  i didn’t think it was that scary until my brother told me it scared him. but it was in the closet  and i put it there.   i did something about it.  i stopped the fear.   and honestly, i remember thinking it was lonely….that is, when i realized…i also had the power to think for myself.  somewhere along the line….i forgot i had that power…i forgot that it was up to me to change things.  as andy worhol puts it….”they always say time changes things…but you actually have to change them yourself”

wow…that was a weird entry. 

Broken
All is well,
Alone I am.
In all my life
I seem to find me
Pouring my heart out.
Now there’s nothing left.
So why am I so depressed?
There’s no heart left to break no more sad mistakes
And yet I find myself.
Broken.

And everyone think’s I’m ok.
No one notices a thing.
They go about their busy lives and no one even takes the time.
To care.
I guess that I’ll be fine.
You couldn’t change my mind.
Cos’ in the end I know I’ll find myself.
Broken.

So I look up and take a breath
And breathe a new hope,
Come out clean with some dirty dishwater,
And a bar of soap.
Look all around me,
Everybody’s broke.
They don’t understand how life fades
Like a cloud of smoke.
So they give away their love to anybody who will take it,
Promise them the world, but turn around and then the y break it.
We get mistaken for what’s real is only fake,
And now we’re trading in our souls for all the money we’ll be making.

It’s alright, if it’s not real.

If everyone loves you, who cares how you feel.

Take it from me, cos’ from this dream I have been woken.

You’ll wake up one day and realize you’re still broken.

 

                                                    ~Pico Vs Island Trees

 

So the retreat was interesting.  i met some really awesome cool people, did some really cool stuff, and the whole trip definately got me thinking.  got me praying more.  hah…i guess the whole “deeper encounters” thing was shining bright on my heart.  thing is…i feel so broken.  so small.  standing there looking out on that mountainous view..the world being so big and complex…i was so small.  i am so small.  and then i looked down on all my fellow mountain trekkers, noticing how peaceful they looked (or maybe it was just tired )….i realized again how small i felt.  because there i was surrounded by all these people, all who seemed strong in their walk with God…or who were at least actively searching for that path…and there i was.  feeling so broken.  i was reminded how much run from things.  but ya know….when it comes down to it…i need that.  i need to feel broken.  i need to be broken so i can be put back together.  i think that’s what i mainly got out of the retreat.  well…that and great times rolling down the hill, watching lion king, playing with dough…play…dough, of course.  and i also really enjoyed the fact that everyone seemed so welcoming.  ao really is an awesome group of people. 

so now here i am….back at school…and i can’t get back into the swing of things.  heh..i feel like a puddle of squished jello.  fruit cup and all.   (for those of you who don’t know my jello theory….don’t ask…it’ll only waste your time).  but spring break is soon.  just one more week…and then i’ll get to spend some time with my big brother.  man, i miss him.  i’ve been getting to actually KNOW him this year.  or rather…i’m finally letting him get to know me.  i like it. 

  <—aren’t we silly? 

well…i guess i should finally get around to that work.  it might snow again today.  snow’s pretty.  perhaps i’ll take a walk.  its so cold lately though…

:::burp:::: mmm… cookie crisp.

i wish emptying my mind was easy as releasing gas.

hmm…

so lately i’ve been drawing a blank…and for some reason, i thought i needed something that would pierce my bubble and get me back on track.  maybe its just this college thing getting to me…but i’ve forgotten how to be real.  so on that note….i decided to join this xanga/journalling trend thing.  maybe the fortune cookie in me will come back soon.  most likely, this will just be one more source on the internet plagued with senseless babble.