my mom says dreams about teeth are symbolic of change.  i’ve had two
recently.  the first one, a tooth came out…didn’t hurt too bad…a
little surprising/shocking.  and then last night….i dreamt i had a
huge gap btw my two front teeth…big enough for another tooth.

Because I still Believe.

This is old.  End of sophomore year…of high school.  Excerpts.

 

The
moon is out
tonight. Watching over her. She wipes that shy tear off her face and
smiles.
Always there when times are bad. Shining it’s light on that path
leading to an
escape. That dream world seems so far away now. Only under that
moonlight can
she distinguish what’s real and what’s not. Guiding her way, the
moonlight
gives her an abrupt shove back to reality, shining a light on those
harrowing thoughts. The path separates two sides, the dream world, and
reality. Always
there for her, but not what she wants.  During that brief connection
with the moon, her world stops spinning.

 

That night, she looked
out the window. The moon was waiting for her…watching her. She floated away
into the distance…and cried. The skies lit up. A slight
shadow cast upon her face. Behind her the screams died down, the pain eased,
and she smiled. She had never felt so wonderful. She had never been more
beautiful.

 

 I got to see the moon set a couple weekends ago.  It was big.  It
turned red.  And then it disappeared behind the horizon.  Or maybe it
was the clouds.  Either way, it was gone. 

 

Many thoughts.  Many Feelings.  An inability to express.  Reasons.  Justificiations.  Excuses. 

assumptions.

1. I should be loved by everyone for everything I do.

2. Things should turn out the way I want them to turn out.

3. I should be terribly upset by dangerous situations.

4. It is better to avoid problems than to face them.

5. I need someone stronger and more powerful than me to rely on.

6. I should be completely competent, intelligent, and achieving in all I do.

7. Once smething affects my life, it will affect it forever.

8. I must have perfect self-control.

9. I have no control over my emotions and cannot help feeling certain feelings.

 

People who hold such beliefs will often react to situations with irrational thoughts and behaviors and negative emotions.   

 

End Quote.

 

i think my favorite defensive mechanisms are rationalization, projection, and maybe intellectualization!

weee!  

Expectation. 

“Getting prepared for one target seems to make people less
prepared for other targets….Expectation-based priming, by virtue of revealing
costs when misled, reveals the presence of a limited-capacity system.”
                                                          –
Cognitive Psychology Text…chapter four on attention.

Stop.  Think.  Breathe. 
It suddenly occurred to me that although I’ve known that expectations…or
rather giving too much into prior expectations and assumptions are not
logical/good/…and/or just flat out not “ok”…but i never really considered the
idea that expectations can…cloud…or inhibit my mind.  Well, I assumed, but…I guess I never really
gave it much of a factual quality.  To be
simple, I never quite “got it” until now.

I have an issue with pride. 
A pretty stinkin big one.  To
pretty much all my friends, I’m the argumentative, stubborn one.  I prefer to see myself as the open-minded
manipulator of that devil’s advocate role….with a slight hint of….love.  cause I do care.  And I do listen…even if I don’t necessarily
agree right off the bat (at least not out loud)….i….wouldn’t be here if I
didn’t care.  (I also realize that I do
get carried away sometimes) Or maybe….that is what I tell myself. But anyways,
my point….

In this world, there are some of us who’ve been raised (or
primed, in that psychological world speak)….to go into everything with at least
a handful of skepticism…no matter how passionate he/she may be about the
issue/circumstance.  Mind you, I’m not
saying that skepticism is bad.  (another
on the way to pretentious idea/theory of mine was that skepticism is good, just
as long as you do not let it become cynicism.) 
I’ve digressed again.

I guess…to make it simple, I’ve just realized that I’m still
really guilty of being that jumper to conclusions…too quick to respond….too
slow to change (although, there is a part of me that still thinking I care too
much/believe too easily what certain people tell me…..but I’d also like to
believe that that part of me is balanced out by the part of me that doesn’t
believe anything other certain people say. 
I’m too extreme…..at least to really leave in that gray that I
claim).  I think this…all this….is
leading me to really not grow.  I’ve
reached that limited-capacity and….once again, I’m stuck. 

Dude, sandy, pay attention. 
I used to be so observant.  I used
to know names and faces.  I used to be a
really good listener.  I used to not care
so much about myself.  When did that change? 

the moon was about the size of a quarter in front of my eye today,
driving.  orange, in a deep haze.  on the way home,
driving, the fabricated shine of the streetlights left me placid. ten
minutes before, i had been thinking about how i never want to be left
in complacency.  or at least, comfortable. 

reality is not sitting there staring at a glass and contemplating
whether its half full or half empty.  reality is picking it up and
drinking it, with the intention that it will do something for you;
quench your thirst.  or, reality is leaving it there. letting it
Sit.  still.  Restless….as it collects tiny particles and
vibrations from the air…until you decide to do something with
it.  reality waits for you to move.  to Choose.  or…at
least until it evaporates and you’re left…hanging.  thirsty.

now….replace reality with…._____.  yeah that’s right.  whatever you darn well please. 

i think i’m losing it. 

i was reminded, today, how much i love driving…at night.  it
made me happy to know that the moon still intrigues me.  later, i
realized i was happy to miss the late night air that is dark. 
that feeling that i can’t describe with any words that aren’t too sappy
or trite, because…when it comes down to it…i’m pretty gosh darn
sappy and trite.  i was reminded, today, that i am only sometimes coherent.

tonight, i am complacent.  and i’m not sure how that makes me
feel.  fluid.  like the water in that glass.  doesn’t
the meniscus depend on where you’re standing?

yeah…i dunno.   something’s off.

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