a drop of rain just turned into a bucket of glue.  and i’m standing there… completely drenched.  and i’m running…through a playground…being chased by 20 kindergardners throwing evil teddy bears at me.

don’t get me wrong, i like rain.  i like walking outside knowing that the weather isn’t completely perfect….even when it was REALLY nice just minutes before.  its good to have things alter your lifestyle a li’l.  give it a kick…BAM!….spice it up.  builds character….or something.  and yeah…of course sometimes it’ll storm.  sometimes it’ll storm REAL hard….so hard that the umbrella not only breaks but you find yourself being thrown about and pelted at with water bullets coming from every which direction.  but hey, that’s ok too cause i mean, i guess you could consider it a real life aqua massage machine.  those things are silly.  but i dunno…sometimes…i swear the rain, it gets so hard, it never seems to want to go away.  and it gets so thick….so deep.  and it gets even worse when it begins to stick.  like glue.  sometimes, i feel like it will never go away.

so it hit me today that of most the things i’ve been faced with…they weren’t my responsibility.  i just took them to be….maybe because i felt like i should have…or maybe because i wanted to.  and now, here i stand…..clueless….like i’ve been offered a really well-paying babysitting job….except the kid is horrid…..the kid, is me.  i don’t even know where to start.  i don’t even know if i want to accept the job.  too bad i know i have to.  i need the money.  i need the character. 

so my first impulse has always been to run.  whether physically or mentally or emotionally or even spiritually, i’ve always made a mad dash for the nearest exit.  discreetly, of course.  because that’s how i am…some still call me a “sneaky asian.”  hah.  anywho, so here i am…running…running….as fast as i can when i look down and realize that there’s a flock of people chasing after me…getting closer and closer with every step.  (and then, i finally look down and realize that i’m running the wrong way on one of those flat escalator thingies…anyone ever seen one of those?  i saw one in the airport in korea.  just a strip of moving ground…..no biggie…)  so anyways, there’s this flock of people coming straight at me…yelling horrible truths about me….when i turn around and realize that they’re all children.  i don’t know what’s scarier…the fact that children don’t lie….or the fact that they were throwing ugly teddybears at me. it had red eyes…and my brother swore it was breathing.  (the bear, not the kid.)  so let’s step back and take a look….i’m wet….i’m running…..my hair, clothes, everything is pasted to me…i’m on this horizontal escalator thingie…(which by the way is going just the right speed so that i can’t get anywhere)….and there’s a flock of 5 year old gaining on me.  and then BAM…i get spacked with a scary teddybear.  and then…i finally realized that it was my imagination. 

so i guess, in the end….i’ll get up and realize it’s up to me to change things.  it’s always been up to me….to get out of those sticky situations.  i shoved that bear in the darkest corner of my closet when i was 7.  i didn’t think it was that scary until my brother told me it scared him. but it was in the closet  and i put it there.   i did something about it.  i stopped the fear.   and honestly, i remember thinking it was lonely….that is, when i realized…i also had the power to think for myself.  somewhere along the line….i forgot i had that power…i forgot that it was up to me to change things.  as andy worhol puts it….”they always say time changes things…but you actually have to change them yourself”

wow…that was a weird entry.