i’m getting really mad at myself for being so immature…but i don’t know how to get myself out of it. heh, when i was 9 i taught myself how to swim…but now..its like i jumped into a cold cold pool and forgot how to tread. somewhere along the way, i got lost.
so tonight i had the inevitable “what’re you majoring in” “what’re you gonna do with your life” talk with my parents again….one of the reasons why i don’t like coming home. i try to tell them as much as i know…or as much as i know to say….too bad a lot of times i just DON’T KNOW. and i feel like that’s not good enough for them. heh…i don’t really know why i get so frustrated with it. prolly because inside me, i’m still trying to forgive myself for being so indecisive. i’m fighting a battle within myself outloud with them and it just makes me feel like crap…ok, i bet nothing makes sense. hmm…so recap. my mom mentioned that i like kids, so i should be a pediatrician. and then immediately afterwards (or before..i don’t remember exactly)…she said just don’t be a teacher. it’s…u^on?g (yeah ok, so its hard to type in vietnamese)…uhh..translation…it’d be a waste. then she put in the example of her friend’s son who became a teacher for a year and then hated it and went back to school. so afterwards, she concluded (knowing that i like kids) that i should be a pediatrician) all this, the sequence of events, made me think that she wanted to steer me away from education and towards med school (not that i’m seriously considering either..) so…i reminded her that her friend’s son’s reasons for being a teacher was because he wanted 3 months off in the summer….and not that he really liked teaching or wanted to work with children. i tried to tell her that i wanted to do something that i would enjoy. then mom asked about pharm school and what their salary was. meanwhile, i was getting frustrated and angry because in my little immature head, i was assuming that she was implying all these things for me and i just didn’t want to deal with it. i know she just wanted to make conversation…but i dunno…i guess i didn’t want to talk about it. so then, i made the mistake of raising my voice…cause well, i tend to get emotional with my parents…and i said some things about how i really don’t know what i want to do and i still have some time to decide and i’m taking classes to figure it out. i also told them that IF i went pre-med i’d already be too far behind and have to take more summer school or not graduate on time or something. my dad then mentioned something about how i’ve gone to school for a year now and it hasn’t amounted to anything. so…i tried to tell them that i don’t like when they imply stuff..but take it out how i don’t know how to say “imply” in vietnamese..i couldn’t figure out how express that to them…and i also told my dad that it makes me feel bad when he tells me stuff like i haven’t amounted to anything. so he got angry, told me i didn’t have the right to talk to my parents like that (which i don’t, i was not being very eloquent or containing my emotions very well at all…)…and so then the tears came…and then dad hates that…so he got up and left the dinner table. this is a common occurance at my house. and all because part of me is still very immature and i can’t handle confrontation AT ALL…and yeah. i dunno, i guess i just get emotional about these matters with them because i don’t know how to express everything that i want to say…and i’m still learning how to talk to them. and…i still kick myself for not having picked a major yet….for not having any idea…and yeah. 
i know, i know, i’ve still got time..but really, time flies and i tend to be one of those well-rounded kids who likes a lot of things…gives things second chances…and college flies by waaaay too fast for me…and i really do feel like i’m rushed and won’t pick what’s right for me. or for them..
i’m tired of being a kid who can’t find the words to talk to her parents. i’m tired of not understanding them and assuming the wrong things. i’m tired of messing up all the time and letting my emotions rule my life. i’m tired of not being able to focus on the “right” things…i’m tired of not knowing what those right things are.
so the conversation ended up another lecture about how i can’t talk to my parents like that…and their only intent was to find out what is going on in their daughter’s life and i should be so harsh with them. which is all true. i need to stop with my pre-conceptions of their motives. <sigh> so yeah….that went on for a long long time and for some reason in the middle of it i kept trying to defend my views on education…and values…. somewhere in there i told them that i don’t think i value the dollar like they do. i told them i saw how arguments tend to center around money and it seemed like the more money, the more issues…and i didn’t want that. i don’t really know why i slipped that in there. i don’t think that was right of me to say either. i guess i was trying to explain that money really doesn’t matter to me…i mean, i understand that i can’t NOT think about where the money is gonna come from….because eventually, yes, i will have a family to raise, and in which case, i will need money. but i dunno…i don’t care if i go out of college and make $100,000 a year. eh…i thought writing all this out would make my head more clear. but its not.
i guess when it comes down to it…i have a heck of a whole lotta growing up to do. but again, i’m swimming in a cold cold pool and i can’t remember how to tread. and it frustrates me, because i feel like my mind used to be so clear….but…now bugs keep flying in and people add too much chlorine and maybe some kids come in and pee in the pool sometimes. so resort to emotions…but my heart can only do so much..ya know? “i wish i could see past the window facing forward looking back…..under water breathing hurts your lungs and breaks your back”
so yeah, this is me at the end of my freshman year….excited for opportunity, confused about life, frustrated with myself, trying to cram as much culture/life/experience as i can into my world….and…yeah. i dunno. this is long. i’m tired of whining. i will stop now.
Recovered from Xanga 
aw… yeah i know exactly how you feel. my mom always tries to have conversations with me about how maybe i should think about law school or get a license to open a business or whatnot… it gets annoying sometimes. that’s how most of my arguments with my parents start.
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hey sandy.
wow. i’m sory you’ve been so stressed out. if you ever need to vent, gimme a call. (919.604.5667) and keep questioning and digging within yourself to find out what you’re passionate about and focus on that, because that is what will essentially bring you happiness and will allow you to fulfill your purpose the best. keep smilin.
jon
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it’s a general trend for asian parents to always look at the money, isn’t it? but i believe it’s always with a good heart, that they want what they think would be best for us. from personal experience, my parents want me to be financially stable, so i won’t have to struggle like they did earlier in life. i guess that’s the key for them, and for many parents, to make sure they’re children have stable futures, and being stable financially is a big part of that. i think though, what parents fail to realize is that we don’t care so much for stability, simply because we don’t know what we want to do yet. we’re still too young to decide for sure, i think. i hope the best for you. look forward to seeing you sometime this summer. take care.
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wow, hey i know exactly what you have been/are going through. it’s aggravating sometimes.. y’know.. communication between asian parents and the whole second generation thing. it’s funny about what you said, how you try to communicate how you feel in vietnamese and not being able to say the words you want – that happens to me too! it just goes to show that there is a big gap and the gap only grows wider when each side can’t totally understand where the other side is coming from.
so i guess what i’m trying to say is.. have patience (easier said than done, i definitely know that). have patience especially about this majors thing. i was in the exact same spot as you up until the middle of my second semester sophomore year (this year..), didn’t know what to do.. bickered with my parents when they suggested things i didn’t want to do. funny thing is i actually ended up picking a major that my mom suggested, something i had totally disregarded before cuz i thought it was stupid and thought that she totally didn’t understand what i liked. the thing is.. our parents sometimes do know more about us than we do ourselves and their suggestions are all in our best interest. so keep an open mind. keep on searching.
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Ohhh Sandy, I feel like you’re always there to give me advice, but I’m never any assistance to you. I know that everyone expects different things from you, and you’re not even sure what to expect from yourself, but just experiment…take a minute to block out everyone else and focus on what YOU like. If you like kids and you like teaching kids, then go for that. If you feel like training monkeys to play chess, then man, sandy! Train those monkeys! this is YOUR life. Your parents are a part of your life too though, so I’m not saying what they say doesnt matter. I really dont know what I’m saying. Just make yourself happy. Please. Nobody likes a sad Sandy. And dont forget that I’m always here for you if you want to talk!!!!! Love you sandy!!!!
Chelsea
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Who knows our parents better than you and me? All preconceptions, biases, and notions aside… they want you to be happy. Our parents have taught us this: Family is the foundation upon which we should lay at the base of our futures. You know that.
To succeed in family, you need to be able to communicate… plain and simple. You might think that emotions get in the way, but if you could control them and channel their energies… then emotions become passions. Controlling your emotions and understanding your passions will help you to effectively communicate what is going on in that little head of yours. If you’re in control, you’ll find the words to describe whatever it is that you want to say.
Our parents have provided us a strong set of values through the notion of family. However, they recognize that having a foundation alone won’t help in constructing a future above the foundation. To take the metaphor further, the home (future) that is built on top of the foundation requires labor (your work) , knowledge (your present knowledge), and money (financial resources) in order to purchase the tools and equipment (further education).
Not sure if that makes much sense to you, but it does to me. You have to first, however, allow yourself to step back and take a look at the project as a complete whole. What do you want the home to look like? What will you need to achieve it? How much time will it take? What are your plans.
In any case, you’re not building your future alone. Along the way you’ll meet people who will lend a hand. They become part of your foundation and will help you put up your walls.
You have me. I’ll be your roof, I’ll keep you dry… til there are no more tears left in you to cry.
(Me have a foundation… pretty stable… with a vision for how my house will look like. I have family and I have friends… but me want to have a girl =P to help complete my foundation and build my home with.)
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I love you Sandy Pham. Like i’ve said time and time again- you are so much like it’s scary! many of the same experiences and thoughts find themselves in my existence as well. Be you, trust in God- everything will turn out. I’m here for ya babe. you mean so much to your parents, be reassured that they love their Sandy very much-and they definitely don’t need mere words to understand that.
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heh. asian parents. when it comes down to it, though, you’re more mature than pretty much everybody i know. this annoying process you call ‘thinking’ will help you to live a fuller life in the end, i think. luck
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haha…i guess you dont know very many people then.
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my sister says i’m trite
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Hi Sandy! wow… I can totally relate to what you’re going through. Believe almost every asian parent I know wants his/her kids to either become a pharmacist or a doctor. To my parents it’s not the money that they’re concerned about, it’s about pride. They wanna be able to tell their friends at work and families at home that their daughter is going to med school or pharmacy school. It means a lot to them because that’s why they came to America in the first place..to find better opportunities for their kids. So in a sense your success is their own. So when my parents try to pressure me or hint me into majoring in something that isn’t my passion, I tell them not to worry, just let me make my own choices, and that I promise to make them proud in the end. And they’re ok with that Don’t blame yourself for getting emotional or having preconceptions of their intentions, because it’s true, they ARE implying stuff . Just go for what you love, and make sure your parents know you won’t fail them. Be happy ok? 🙂
I’ll be around next year so come talk to me whenever. Have fun!!!
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