in viet today….he pointed out my mistakes.  again.  it didn’t bother me that i made a mistake.  maybe it should have.  it didn’t bother me that he corrected me.  he should have.  

after class, he gave the class a talk about what an opportunity it was for us to learn vietnamese in college….in america.  he told us it made him happy and proud that we are doing it…that we have grown up here but understand the importance of keeping a native tongue.  that we understand that language is a way of keeping a heritage strong.  he told us he was very happy to attend viet night last year and hear lien say “i am proud to be vietnamese.” 

he told us not to compare ourselves to anyone else.  that this is an individual journey.  an individual goal. 

i know all this.  i understand this.  i understand and i try hard.  i have been trying so hard.  i understand that he’s being hard on me because he wants to push me.  he said he doesn’t care if we hate him…because we will forgive him later.  i don’t hate him.  i respect him.  i respect him now and i always have….because of his own journey.  because what he is trying to do for us…to teach us.  i respect him because i was taught to respect my elders.  i don’t undersand why i keep trying…but nothing comes out right. 

i got angry today.  when he pointed out my mistakes, alone, i got angry.  it was obvious that i hadn’t studied that much. but it wasn’t pathetic either.  i was angry at him for repeatedly pointing out that i’m not “working to my potential.”   it makes me angry that all these people see my “potential” but i stand blind to myself.  it makes me angry that i try so hard to figure out how to honor my family and make things right…but its never enough.  that things happen and make me feel like i’m doing it all wrong.  i’m probably just being dumb…i’ve always wanted too much recognition.  i assume its an issue of pride.  i don’t think i quite understood that lesson on pride.

i think i’m tired.  tired of trying.  just keep swimming, eh?