the kind of entry i hate to write.

i had a great time in dc this weekend….minus having to say goodbye to judy.  i hate goodbyes.  i think i’m so crappy with goodbyes because i don’t wanna cry so i kinda just…leave.  she’s definitely the best sister i never had. 

but yeah…so i decided to drive up without telling my parents…or anyone else in my immediate family for that matter, and for that, i felt guilty.  so i ended up telling my brother, who naturally told me to confess…but when i did, my mom kinda acted…weird.  didn’t make THAT big of a deal about it, yet.  guess i’ll handle that when i get home.  but anyway, i called my brother back…and i guess…i guess its been a while since i’ve had an emotional overdramatic episode….so i got angry at him for laughing at my over analysis of the consequences of the whole driving to dc ordeal…knowing completely well that i was just being silly. what’s sad though..is that in my whining about him not giving me advice, i started accusing him of never calling, never helping me out, and never being around.  to which, he decided that he’s been a bad brother.   and..me being emotional….wanted to agree with him.  actually, i let him think that.  i accused him of never REALLY being there for me….and i was angry at him for always somehow managing to get the credit for everything that is me.  but that’s silly…because i’ve also learned throughout the years that sometimes its the things people don’t do that make you who you are.  that the opportunity of choice is a huge measure of trust.  …he’s the best brother i could ever have. 

sigh.  i dunno what i’m saying.  what i’m thinking.  i think i just miss too many people.

this weekend, i realized that my heart is breaking…and there’s no one around to pick up the pieces.  but then again, its been a super emotional weekend.  so..yeah.  i’m a stupid girl, and this is me.  stupid.