Expectation. 

“Getting prepared for one target seems to make people less
prepared for other targets….Expectation-based priming, by virtue of revealing
costs when misled, reveals the presence of a limited-capacity system.”
                                                          –
Cognitive Psychology Text…chapter four on attention.

Stop.  Think.  Breathe. 
It suddenly occurred to me that although I’ve known that expectations…or
rather giving too much into prior expectations and assumptions are not
logical/good/…and/or just flat out not “ok”…but i never really considered the
idea that expectations can…cloud…or inhibit my mind.  Well, I assumed, but…I guess I never really
gave it much of a factual quality.  To be
simple, I never quite “got it” until now.

I have an issue with pride. 
A pretty stinkin big one.  To
pretty much all my friends, I’m the argumentative, stubborn one.  I prefer to see myself as the open-minded
manipulator of that devil’s advocate role….with a slight hint of….love.  cause I do care.  And I do listen…even if I don’t necessarily
agree right off the bat (at least not out loud)….i….wouldn’t be here if I
didn’t care.  (I also realize that I do
get carried away sometimes) Or maybe….that is what I tell myself. But anyways,
my point….

In this world, there are some of us who’ve been raised (or
primed, in that psychological world speak)….to go into everything with at least
a handful of skepticism…no matter how passionate he/she may be about the
issue/circumstance.  Mind you, I’m not
saying that skepticism is bad.  (another
on the way to pretentious idea/theory of mine was that skepticism is good, just
as long as you do not let it become cynicism.) 
I’ve digressed again.

I guess…to make it simple, I’ve just realized that I’m still
really guilty of being that jumper to conclusions…too quick to respond….too
slow to change (although, there is a part of me that still thinking I care too
much/believe too easily what certain people tell me…..but I’d also like to
believe that that part of me is balanced out by the part of me that doesn’t
believe anything other certain people say. 
I’m too extreme…..at least to really leave in that gray that I
claim).  I think this…all this….is
leading me to really not grow.  I’ve
reached that limited-capacity and….once again, I’m stuck. 

Dude, sandy, pay attention. 
I used to be so observant.  I used
to know names and faces.  I used to be a
really good listener.  I used to not care
so much about myself.  When did that change?